Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.