You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
