I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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