i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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