I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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