my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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