areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
