I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
