I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
