then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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