I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
