Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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