If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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