Can Purell be used as lube?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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