Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
