I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fuck me I smell like cheese
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
