Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
