Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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