Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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