I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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