just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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