I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
