When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
