Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
