I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
