i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
