After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
