omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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