I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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