just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fuck appropriateness.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
