I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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