I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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