the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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