Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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