Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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