Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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