mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
