Apparently you make a good broom.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
