News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
