What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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