dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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