how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
