Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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