dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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