I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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