Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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