I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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