The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
