I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
