I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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