don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
