i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
