I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
