Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
