Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
