So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
