Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm too high and old for this...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
