my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
