Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
