Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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